Home?

I've just arrived today to Kirtland, Ohio. I'm now sitting in my father's house, bored already and missing Bowling Green. Sure, being home is kind of nice. You get to see your family and maybe some old friends, and my Dad will pay me to work around the house while I eat all his food. But it isn't really home anymore.

Home doesn't really feel like home anymore. It hasn't for a little while now, but each time I come back it just affirms that all the more. Its more like I'm coming to visit my parents home. Sure this place is comfortable and I know it really well, but its not the place I want to be. Its not my safe haven or my fortress. Its not what I think of when I think, "I want to go home." Not anymore.

My home now is where my community is. All I really have left here is my family and a few old friends who only get together a few times a year anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love all these people, but they are not the folks who are in my daily lives anymore.

We'll see how long I can manage out here. I hope I can break some of these projects up throughout the summer and not be away from home too long at any given time. We'll just have to see.

Getting Started

So it is official. I'm now unemployed until the start of the next school year. However I'm still super unmotivated to much of anything.

I'm starting light; today I'm going to clean my house. Last time I cleaned I was able to get in my application for Renhill and start subbing.

Its a start.

The end of a season

Tomorrow will be my last day subbing for the school year, and as long as I find a job this summer it may be my last time subbing ever.

Over the past few weeks I had the distinct pleasure of filling in for a 5th grade teacher on paternity leave on a pretty regular basis. I've gotten to know the students and their daily routine. I didn't feel as much like a sub as a co-teacher. These were not just some kids I was going to spend a day with and then for the most part forget about. They became my kids.

Today I didn't take a single break from them. I ate lunch outside with them, and spent recess playing frisbee and racing around the track with them. It didn't hit me til the end of the day though when one of my students asked if I would be back tomorrow.

I told her I would be at the school, but not in their class. I'm done as their teacher. She then proceeded to reach in her desk and retrieve a piece of notebook paper that had been folded in half hamburger style. Scrawled in pencil across the front in as fancy as a block print as a 5th grade girl can manage and underlined with a squiggle was written, "Mr. B." She told me not to open it until I got home, and I told her I wouldn't and tucked it in the front cover of book I managed to finish today. However, I couldn't wait, and as soon as all my students has left the room my hand darted for my book and pulled the letter out of its temporary home. I unfolded the letter to find one of the most precious things ever written to me.

Dear Mr. B,
You have been a nice teacher. I will miss you. Hope find a Job when were gone for the summer. Thank you for being my subteacher!

Bye!

Your Student,

At the bottom she printed and signed her name. I felt like I could cry. I knew my time with them was up, but I did nothing about it. All I have now is this one letter. This one letter which is worth more to me than most anything. I'll miss you too kids.

I'll miss you too.

Fighting Apathy

Apathy sucks. Since hearing last week that I did not get the North Baltimore job I have felt very apathetic. I got my hopes up for that job. I knew it wasn't a done deal, but I figured the odds were good nonetheless. I have much I would like to be doing now, as well as with this summer. I need to figure out how I'm paying back my loans, how I'm making money after schools let out, where I'm working next year, where I'm living next year. I'm not terribly worried about those things, and that is fine, but I don't give a shit about them and that isn't fine. These are big things, and even if they don't stress me out I should still care.

But I don't...

I'm making myself take care of the loan thing today, but I wouldn't be surprised if I convince myself to put it off again. I need a list, or a set of goals. Maybe with a reward system so that I get excited for accomplishing things. Maybe once I've done a couple of those things I'll be more excited for the rest. At any rate, here are some of the things I would like to accomplish this summer. Feel free to ask me anytime how my list is coming.

-Find a job for the fall
-Finish Lord of the Rings
-Write a song or three
-Read something that challenges me
-Make more of my own meals (maybe cook through a smaller cook book)
-Brew a pilsner or another summery beer
-Exercise, eat better, lose weight
-Get in the bible a good deal more
-Pray more often
-Lose a few strokes in my disc golf game
-Bike the entire Slippery Elm Trail
-Take sidewalk chalk to the trail and write encouraging messages for the runners, bikers and bladers.
-More hugs and high-fives

Its a start. This summer, let's kick apathy's ass. Let's grab it by the ankles, shake it and steal its lunch money. Let's get excited. This is a season to do stuff.

Its a start.

Like a tree by the water

This morning, I'm waiting to hear about my car, which is loud as hell again, and hopefully can be fixed for as cheap or cheaper than last time, especially since it seems to be the same problem that was just fixed. Nonetheless, I'm looking for a good way to use my time while I wait. Intermittent napping while watching Unsolved Mysteries was not cutting it for me.

So I turned to the psalms...

Psalm 1
1 Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.


I feel like a tree, stubborn of the abundant life-giving source near it, trying to grow on its own. The stream flows not too far, but I send my roots in other directions. I try to grow tall and strong on my own. I find, though, that I'm not as strong as I want to be. My fruit seems mediocre at best, maybe with a few good ones popping out now and again.

I certainly don't think I've pulled all my roots away from the stream, but I send more away than I care to admit. I know God satisfies best, but I want so badly to find that in other things as well. These other things always fail, but like a fool I run back to them time and time again. I say, "maybe this time it will satisfy me. This time it will have more to offer." Or, "I'll just go to this for a little bit and then go back to God." As a result I feel, tired, strained, and unsatisfied. In order to get back to where I want to be I'm going to need to be broken of a few things.

In other words, to have my branches pruned. Have the dead things removed from me so that new things can spring forth and I can grow by the strength of the stream. It won't be simple, or easy, and I will most definitely fail again, but its progress.

Its progress...

Prayerful Consideration Pt. 5, Lead Us Not Into Temptation

Finally, the last installment of the series. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

This one seems a bit strange. Sure, no one really wants to be tempted. Being tempted sucks. Temptation leads to sin, and sin to separation from God. It makes sense to ask to not be tempted.

But is that what Christ meant here?

Well, Christ may not lead us into temptation, but that does not mean that we are not tempted. There is a difference from being lead into temptation and being allowed to be tempted. Its not like Christ is taking me to a strip club or a porn shop. However, temptation persists.

The question then is what we do about this temptation?

Temptation can be a good thing. As odd as that may seem, temptation gives us the opportunity to choose God. It gives us the chance to lean not on our own strength, but to rely on God and build our relation with Him. I suppose that is what the last line of the prayer is about, "but deliver us from evil." God is all about relationships, even in situations where Satan is trying to take control. God is pretty freaking kick ass.

Prayerful Consideration: Pt. 4, Forgive us as we forgive others

It seems appropriate to consider the idea of forgiveness on Easter. After all, it is because of Christ's death and resurrection that my sins are forgiven.

It makes sense to ask for forgiveness of sins. Sin separates us from God. However, "sin" may not be the best word here. While it seems clear that sin is what is being talked about, more often we find the word "debt." In days of old a sacrifice was required for the forgiveness of sins. You owed that to God. That was the price for restoring a right relationship. However now, Christ has paid off our debt. He is our perfect and complete sacrifice that restores our relationship to God. Great deal.

The next part is a little harder though; "As we forgive our debtors."

Sometimes forgiving others is easy. Someone accidentally bumps you, or spills your drink, that is easy enough to forgive. However, what if some jerk punches you in the face, or your boss fires you from your job. Those are a little harder to forgive. I know there are some people who I still have a hard time forgiving. Nonetheless Christ is adamant about us forgiving others. After instructing the disciples how to pray he continues by saying, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." That's a big deal.

Forgiving is a necessary step for love. We can't love others if we hold onto the things they have done to wrong us. It isn't easy all the time. Some people seem nearly impossible to love, especially forgive. I know I still have some work to do in this area, but it is nice to be able to ask God for his help.